The best birthday jokes

Little Johnny once bought his Granny a very fine toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a few weeks later, there wasn't a sign of it in the bathroom. Little Johnny asked his Grandma, "Granny, what happened to the loo brush I gave you?" "Darling, I really didn't like it. After all those years, I've gotten used to the toilet paper, and this new thing was just far to scratchy."
Vote:
has 65.63 % from 58 votes. More jokes about: birthday, family, little Johnny
A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for some free professional advice. "What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?" she asked. "First I’d have to know more about the child," the psychologist hedged. The woman took a deep breath. "He’s very bright and quick-witted and exceptionally advanced for his age," she said. "He has good coordination, expresses himself very well…" "Oh, I see," the psychologist said, "It’s YOUR child!"
Vote:
has 64.78 % from 14 votes. More jokes about: age, birthday, kids
If you need Facebook to remind you it's your wife's birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
Vote:
has 64.76 % from 260 votes. More jokes about: birthday, Facebook, wife
Yo mama is so ugly that she could be the poster child for birth control.
Vote:
has 63.00 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: baby, birthday, insulting, ugly, Yo mama
Two friends who had not seen each other for awhile met at a bar. "Hey, your wife just had a birthday recently, didn't she? Did you get her anything special?" "Yeah, I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo." "A pair of slippers and a dildo?" "Yeah, I said 'If you don't like the slippers, you can go fuck yourself.' "
Vote:
has 60.67 % from 50 votes. More jokes about: bar, birthday, dirty, friendship, sex
This blonde goes into the drugstore looking for a birthday card. She asks the clerk if they have any new and different cards — something unusual. The clerk points her to a new card just in that day — “Happy Birthday to the Boy who Popped My Cherry.” The blonde replied, “How cool! I’ll take the whole box!”
Vote:
has 58.56 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: birthday, blonde
On the morning a cop walks into a bar and sees his wife with two of his best friends. He takes a sit on the table behind them to eavesdrop then his wife says "let's have him kidnaped." A poor guy heartbroken pulls out a gun and shoots them all and runs back to his house to grab some cash and clothe to escape. When he finally reached his house and opens the door everyone yells happy birthday!
Vote:
has 58.51 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: bar, birthday, cop, friendship
Chuck Norris doesn't blow out brithday candles, they surrender their flames willingly.
Vote:
has 56.84 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: birthday, Chuck Norris
Dave's wife thinks that he is pushing himself too hard, so she takes him to a local strip club for his birthday. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How are ya?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." They sit and a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know what you drink." "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them." A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi, Davey," she says, "Want your usual lap dance?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. His wife starts screaming at him. The cabbie turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real doozy this time, Dave!"
Vote:
has 56.46 % from 76 votes. More jokes about: birthday, marriage, time, wife
Yo momma’s so ugly, the Government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Vote:
has 55.71 % from 25 votes. More jokes about: birthday, Halloween, ugly, Yo mama