Q: What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole?
A: A pedophile.
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Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car.
It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.
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Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients?
They hid their own eggs!
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What's the difference between a dead baby and a Styrofoam cup?
A dead baby doesn't harm the atmosphere when you burn it.
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A man who wants to murder his wife goes in a pharmacy and asks for cyanide.
"I'm sorry sir, but I can't give you cyanide just like that."
Without a word, the man takes out his wife's photograph and holds it in front of him.
The pharmacist apologizes, "My mistake, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
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Knock, knock
Who's there?
I'm Mr, Farter.
Mr, Farter who?
I've brought some insecticides to give to your mother in law!
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Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated.
Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."
The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."
The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."
Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.
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The best thing after an intensive argument is the peace-sex.
But I hate when I argue with my father-in-law.
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Two best friends are lying on the beach and discussing:
"Last night I saw a terrible nightmare…"
"What did you see?"
"I saw my mother-in-law swimming in the sea and being chase by a shark…"
"Wow horror!"
"Horror?! You say nothing! She almost got away!"
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