A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: "Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers". She replies: "Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?" To which he responds: "No, you've got bowel cancer."
Q: Why did the cannibal tax auditor get disciplined? A: For buttering up her clients.
Q: What is the worst thing an emergency doctor can tell you after admitting your MIL? A: Sir, we were able to save her!
Q: What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? A: Getting her out of the wheelchair.
Latecomer: Am I too late for the bonfire? Host: No jump up there on the sticks, there is room next to that Guy.
What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you're forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.
What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive? Popeye almost killed him!
Q: What is brown, small, and smells of caramel? A: A diabetic who's been struck by lightning.
Q: What did Hitler get his granddaughter for her 5th birthday? A: An easy bake oven.
My previous girlfriend had this weird sleeping disorder - in the middle of every night she would wake up and suck my dick. No wonder her dad did not want her to move out.