Q: Why did the cannibal tax auditor get disciplined? A: For buttering up her clients.
A man who wants to murder his wife goes in a pharmacy and asks for cyanide. "I'm sorry sir, but I can't give you cyanide just like that." Without a word, the man takes out his wife's photograph and holds it in front of him. The pharmacist apologizes, "My mistake, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
Q: What is the worst thing an emergency doctor can tell you after admitting your MIL? A: Sir, we were able to save her!
How do you stop an Iraqi tank? "Just shoot the guy that's pushing it!"
Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated? Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.
Latecomer: Am I too late for the bonfire? Host: No jump up there on the sticks, there is room next to that Guy.
What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you're forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.
Q: What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? A: A pedophile.
A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken. The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, "Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die..."
What's the difference between a dead baby and a Styrofoam cup? A dead baby doesn't harm the atmosphere when you burn it.