Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart? A: With a knife.
What's the last thing that went through Princess Diana's mind? The dashboard.
Mummy, mummy, why is daddy swaying in the backyard? Shut up, and give me more bullets.
Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff. The bus was destroyed and there were no survivors. Bad News: There were three empty seats.
Q: What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve? A: I haven't seen you for a year!
Q: How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne? A: It's when the blind try to read your face.
Q. What do Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common? A. They both live off dead Beatles.
Why did the Scottish cannibal live on a sugar plantation? He said, "So that I can feed my lads with m'lasses."
First Cannibal: "Who was that girl I saw you with last night?" Second Cannibal: "That was no girl, that was my supper."
Q: What do the Jews hate most about the Holocaust? A: The cost.