You might be a redneck if the Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
How do you know Charles Sweeney was dyslexic? He wanted to order the flaming saganagi, but he accidentally ordered a flaming Nagasaki.
Q: What has 2 arms, 3 legs, and 4 feet? A: The finish line at the Boston Marathon.
Two best friends are lying on the beach and discussing: "Last night I saw a terrible nightmare…" "What did you see?" "I saw my mother-in-law swimming in the sea and being chase by a shark…" "Wow horror!" "Horror?! You say nothing! She almost got away!"
There is nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.
Q: Why did the cannibal tax auditor get disciplined? A: For buttering up her clients.
Why did the cannibal eat the tightrope walker? He wanted a balanced meal.
Q: Why aren't there more famous skeletons? A: They're a bunch of no bodies!
Don't break anybody's heart - they have only one. Break their bones - they have 206.