You might be a redneck if the Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
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How do you know Charles Sweeney was dyslexic?
He wanted to order the flaming saganagi, but he accidentally ordered a flaming Nagasaki.
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Q: What has 2 arms, 3 legs, and 4 feet?
A: The finish line at the Boston Marathon.
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Two best friends are lying on the beach and discussing:
"Last night I saw a terrible nightmare…"
"What did you see?"
"I saw my mother-in-law swimming in the sea and being chase by a shark…"
"Wow horror!"
"Horror?! You say nothing! She almost got away!"
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There is nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.
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Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car.
It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.
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Q: Why did the cannibal tax auditor get disciplined?
A: For buttering up her clients.
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Why did the cannibal eat the tightrope walker?
He wanted a balanced meal.
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Q: Why aren't there more famous skeletons?
A: They're a bunch of no bodies!
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Don't break anybody's heart - they have only one.
Break their bones - they have 206.
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