"Excuse me, how do I get to the hospital quickly?"
"Just stand in the middle of the road for a while."
A magician comes to a seniors' home for entertainment afternoon: "Aaaaand? Is everybody heeere?"
Seniors, enthusiastically, "Yeaaaah!"
Magician, winking, "But not for looooong...!"
Vote: Joke has 67.64 % from 28 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, communication, death, old people, vulgar
More jokes about: black humor, communication, death, old people, vulgar
I'm going trick or treating with my mum tonight.
It's the only time I can take her out as she's been dead for ten years.
Q: What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole?
A: A pedophile.
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car.
It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.
A woman gave her two sons to different families for adoption.
One goes to an Egyptian family and called Amal.
The second child goes to Spain and is called Juan.
Many years later, Juan sends his mother a photo of himself.
She turns to her sister saying that she wished that she had a photo of her other son.
The sister responded "Hey, they are identical twins. If you have seen Juan, you have seen Amal."
Q: Why did the cannibal tax auditor get disciplined?
A: For buttering up her clients.
Guy having sex says "damn bitch, there should be a law against sex this good."
To which the girl replies "I think there is daddy..."
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of him."
Vote: Joke has 66.77 % from 31 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, love, navy, religious, Valentines day
More jokes about: black humor, love, navy, religious, Valentines day
Q: What do you call a 100 lack people in the ocean?
A: An oil spill