A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said "I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything." "That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything." The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?", he asked.
What happened when the cannibal bit off a missionary's ear? He had his first taste of Christianity!
A magician comes to a seniors' home for entertainment afternoon: "Aaaaand? Is everybody heeere?" Seniors, enthusiastically, "Yeaaaah!" Magician, winking, "But not for looooong...!"
Q: What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? A: A pedophile.
Guy having sex says "damn bitch, there should be a law against sex this good." To which the girl replies "I think there is daddy..."
Q: What was Hitler's favorite toy as a kid? A: An Easy-Bake Oven.
Q: What did Hitler get his granddaughter for her 5th birthday? A: An easy bake oven.
Daughter: Dad, this guy told me the sweetest thing ever. Me: What's that hunny? Daughter: He said I had nice bumper lights, and a nice trunk. Me: Tell that niggie if he fills up your gas tank, I'll break his exhaust pipe, ya dig?
There is nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.