Q: Why did the cannibal tax auditor get disciplined? A: For buttering up her clients.
So it's the weekend, and I'm on my back patio when I get this idea to call up my coroner friend Bob. "Bob's not here," his wife says, "he's at work." "Sheesh!" I think. "Poor guy doing autopsies on a Sunday." So I call him on his cell. "What gives, bro,?" I ask. "Homicide," he says. "The higher-ups need a report ASAP. I'll be starting in just a few minutes." I Josh Bob a little. "I'll be thinking of you, buddy. Right now, I'm basting barbecue sauce on a rack of baby-backs and I'm getting ready to open a frosty beer." "Not much different here," he says. "I'm about ready to crack open a cold one myself."
How do you blindfold an Asian? With dental floss!
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said "I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything." "That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything." The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?", he asked.
Patient: "Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. What can I do?" Doctor: "Use a pencil till I come to see your son."
Q. What do Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common? A. They both live off dead Beatles.
Latecomer: Am I too late for the bonfire? Host: No jump up there on the sticks, there is room next to that Guy.
What happened when the cannibal bit off a missionary's ear? He had his first taste of Christianity!
"Excuse me, how do I get to the hospital quickly?" "Just stand in the middle of the road for a while."
A magician comes to a seniors' home for entertainment afternoon: "Aaaaand? Is everybody heeere?" Seniors, enthusiastically, "Yeaaaah!" Magician, winking, "But not for looooong...!"