Q: Why did the cannibal tax auditor get disciplined? A: For buttering up her clients.
Don't break anybody's heart - they have only one. Break their bones - they have 206.
It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds. An American dog goes Woof, a Czech dog goes Haf, a Dutch dog goes Blaf and a Chinese dog goes Sizzle.
How do you blindfold an Asian? With dental floss!
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock. "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of him."
Q: Did you hear the joke about an Earthquake and Japanese nuclear reactor? A: Not cool.
"Excuse me, how do I get to the hospital quickly?" "Just stand in the middle of the road for a while."
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky." The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake." The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."
Why did the cannibal eat the tightrope walker? He wanted a balanced meal.
Latecomer: Am I too late for the bonfire? Host: No jump up there on the sticks, there is room next to that Guy.