"I want a divorce"! "But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part." "I guess you are right. Very well, go ahead and drink up the tea I made for you."
Q: Why aren't there more famous skeletons? A: They're a bunch of no bodies!
I got in trouble during high school for masturbating in the showers. Apparently it completely ruined the trip to Auschwitz.
Two best friends are lying on the beach and discussing: "Last night I saw a terrible nightmare…" "What did you see?" "I saw my mother-in-law swimming in the sea and being chase by a shark…" "Wow horror!" "Horror?! You say nothing! She almost got away!"
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is white, plastic, and dangerous to children. You put groceries in the other.
Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated? Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.
A doctor from the inner city was conversing with an old friend from med school at a cafe when he said, "Man, can I tell you something?" His friend nods. "Sure." "Okay, so the other day I had this one really hot, foreign patient, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about her since..." He goes on to tell his friend everything about her, from her long blond hair and ability to speak fluent French, to her shimmering blue eyes and soft skin. His friend seemed more disgusted with each passing moment. "Dude, that is not cool." The doctor, indignant, defended himself. "What's wrong with that? Lots of doctors are attracted to their patients." His friend simply shook his head and replied, "Maybe, but I guarantee you none of those doctors were pediatricians..."
Q: What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? A: A pedophile.
A man who wants to murder his wife goes in a pharmacy and asks for cyanide. "I'm sorry sir, but I can't give you cyanide just like that." Without a word, the man takes out his wife's photograph and holds it in front of him. The pharmacist apologizes, "My mistake, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken. The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, "Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die..."