Two kids were talking together.
First: "My daddy is so tall that he can touch the clouds in the sky with his hands."
Second: "That is excellent. Does your daddy touch something soft and downy?"
First: "Yes, of course."
Second: "Those are my daddy's testicles."
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I just ended a long-term relationship today.
I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine.
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Two guys meet up in a bar.
The first one asks, “Did your hear the news – Mike is dead??!!!”
“Woah, what the hell happened to him?”
“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”
“What a horrible way to die!”
“No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”
“What a way to go, that’s terrible!”
“No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”
“Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!”
“No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.”
“Man, what a way to go!”
“No no, he survived that, he survived that! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.”
“Now that is one awful way to go!”
“No no, he survived that…”
“Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?”
“I shot him!”
“You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?”
“He was wrecking my house.”
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Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you’re in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I’d like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I’d like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I’d like to hear them say…… look at him, he's moving!"
After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!
Today was a terrible day.
My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
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My grandfather can no longer do the things he loved to do as a teenager.
Flying planes, bombing Germans...
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A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower.
"There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I’m in the shower. Send him in."
The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That’s nice and all, ma’am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds."
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A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
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Joke has 82.24 % from 117 votes. More jokes about: age, black humor, communication, death, old people
"My parachute did not work."
Said no one ever.
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