The best black humor jokes

"My parachute did not work." Said no one ever.
Vote: has 81.30 % from 65 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, death
What would it take to reunite the Beatles? Two more bullets.
Vote: has 81.28 % from 167 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, music
A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart. Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple. The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
Vote: has 81.14 % from 250 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, doctor, old people, phone
A nun and a priest decide to take a day off, so they go golfing. The nun gets a hole-in-one, but the priest hits it into a sand trap. He's so angry, he shouts "God dammit, I missed!". The nun reminds him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and the priest apologizes and tries again. He hits it into the rough, and in his anger, shouts "God dammit, I MISSED!". The nun once again tells him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and he apologizes again. On his third shot, he hits it into the water and yells "GOD DAMMIT I MISSED!" and before the nun can say anything, a bolt of lightning strikes the nun, killing her instantly. Out of nowhere, a loud voice booms "God dammit, I missed".
Vote: has 80.88 % from 264 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, god, golf, priest
A few days after her husband's death, a grieving widow accidentally receives an e-mail from a man waiting for his wife in Miami. The e-mail reads: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here.
Vote: has 80.76 % from 535 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, death, husband, wife
W: Where did Lucy go during the bombing? A: Everywhere.
Vote: has 80.74 % from 63 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor
Dr. Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it he just couldn't. The guilt was overwhelming. But every once in a while he would hear in internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. Just let It go Dave." But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering: "Dave... Daaaave... you're a veterinarian you sick bastard!"
Vote: has 80.56 % from 248 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, disgusting, doctor, morbid, sex
I was a little taken aback when I got my receipt from the funeral parlor, on the bottom of the receipt, after the bill, it read, "Thank you. Please come again."
Vote: has 80.44 % from 42 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, customer service, funeral
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
Vote: has 80.19 % from 140 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor
Came out the gym the other day and cop asked me how I got that body. I said, "I don't know officer, I just opened the trunk and there she was"
Vote: has 79.95 % from 54 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, car, cop, death, gym


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