The best black humor jokes

Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first. - Steve Irwin (1962 - 2006)
Vote: has 79.57 % from 19 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, black humor, death, friendship
It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds. An American dog goes Woof, a Czech dog goes Haf, a Dutch dog goes Blaf and a Chinese dog goes Sizzle.
Vote: has 79.57 % from 19 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, dog, ethnic, food
I'll never understand how you can come up second in a biathlon. I mean – you've got a gun, haven't you?
Vote: has 79.57 % from 19 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, sport, time
W: Where did Lucy go during the bombing? A: Everywhere.
Vote: has 79.54 % from 40 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor
A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it."
Vote: has 79.36 % from 100 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor
A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart. Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple. The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
Vote: has 79.27 % from 216 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, doctor, old people, phone
*Wakes up to wife and son screaming* Me: "What are you guys yelling about?" Them: "You're driving!"
Vote: has 79.24 % from 52 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, car, kids, wife
What did the Boston Marathon bombers do that Hitler couldn't? Ended a race.
Vote: has 79.11 % from 138 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, Hitler
A ship goes out to sea and crashes. 6 people (1 woman and 5 men) survive and use a safety raft to float to this deserted island. Well, after spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely and sexually deprived. So they come to this agreement. All of the men will marry the one woman for a week. So the first man has her for one week, the second man has her for the second week, and so on. Everyone will now be getting sex and they all agree to it. This goes on for five years and everyone is happy. Each man gets sex every fifth week and the woman gets to have sex whenever she wants with a different man every week. Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies. The first week is pretty bad, the second week is still pretty bad, the third week is getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad, real bad, and the fifth week is just awful. It’s getting so very bad that on the sixth week they buried her.
Vote: has 79.09 % from 548 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, death, desert island, marriage, sex
A guy is walking along the beach, when he sees a woman with no arms and no legs lying on the sand, crying. He walks over to her and asks what's wrong. "I've never been hugged before" she says. Thinking this is a simple enough request, the man hugs her. She soon starts crying again. He again asks what's wrong, and she replies, "I've never been kissed before." The man again complies with her wishes and gives her a romantic kiss. She starts crying again, and the man, slightly irritated, asks what's her problem. "I've never been fucked before" she says. So he picks her up and throws her in the ocean and says, "There, now you're fucked."
Vote: has 78.93 % from 416 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, romantic, sex, vulgar, women