"My parachute did not work."
Said no one ever.
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The reason why women will never be the ones who propose is that as soon as they get on their knees, man starts unzipping.
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A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away.
As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
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A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world.
After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart.
He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.
The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
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How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
The prostitute stops fucking you after you’re dead.
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If you're scared of dying alone then become a bus driver.
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Dr. Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it he just couldn't.
The guilt was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he would hear in internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. Just let It go Dave."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering: "Dave... Daaaave... you're a veterinarian you sick bastard!"
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Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
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Mother, "How was school today, Patrick?"
Patrick, "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"
Mother, "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"
Patrick, "What school?"
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Crocodiles are easy.
They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder.
Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin (1962 - 2006)
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