What's red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding? A baby in a microwave.
Daughter: Dad, this guy told me the sweetest thing ever. Me: What's that hunny? Daughter: He said I had nice bumper lights, and a nice trunk. Me: Tell that niggie if he fills up your gas tank, I'll break his exhaust pipe, ya dig?
Q: What is the worst thing about a vegetable? A: Spitting them back up in a wheelchair.
After a long labour, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, "Ma'am, I've got some good news, and some bad news. What would you like?" After quickly thinking it over, she responds, "I'll have the bad news first doctor". The doctor replies, "We'll, I'm not sure how to put this, and I'm sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair". Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother face. "Doctor, if that's the bad news, what's the good news". The doctor replies, "He's dead".
Q: What did one casket say to the sick casket? A: Is that you coughin'?
They say that if I don't support transgender rights I'm on the wrong side of history. At least I'm on the right side of the firing squad.
What did the cannibal say when he was full? I couldn't eat another mortal.
Did you hear about the black guy that died on the highway? He stuck his head out the window and his lips beat him to death.
How the children from Chernobil count from one to hundred? On the fingers!
My dad died on 9-11. He was the best amateur bomber on Iraq's flight team.