If you're scared of dying alone then become a bus driver.
Two strangers meet on a golf course and decide to play together. One man says, "I'm a salesman. What about you?" "I'm a hit man for the mob," replies the second man. He pulls out a high powered rifle loaded with scopes and sights. He then asks the man where he lives. Nervously, the first man replies, "In a subdivision just west of here. Gray roof, yellow siding." "You got a silver compact and a red pickup?" "The compact is my wife's car, but that's my buddy Jeff's truck." The hit man looks through the scope again. "Well, they're going at it like teenagers in your bedroom." "I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot him in the balls." The hit man says, "I get paid $5,000 per shot." "I don't care! Just do it!" The hit man takes careful aim and says, "This is your lucky day. You're going to get a two for one!"
I saw a man with one arm shopping in a second hand store. I thought "You are never going to find here what you are looking for"...
What happens if you upset a cannibal? You get into hot water.
I'll never understand how you can come up second in a biathlon. I mean – you've got a gun, haven't you?
Two children, Johnny and Alex were sitting outside a clinic. Alex was crying very loudly. Johnny: Why are you crying? Alex: I came here for a blood test. Johnny: So? Are you afraid? Alex: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger. After hearing this Johnny started weeping making Alex feel surprised as well as curious and Alex asked: Why are you crying now? Johnny: I came for a urine test!
Old man: "Can you give me an erection?" Faith Healer: "I can make the blind see, make the lame walk and I can even cure cancer. But, I'm sorry I cannot raise the 'dead'."
Q: What does your Mama and a slinky have in common? A: They aren't much to look at but you can't help cracking a smile when you see it tumbling down the stairs.
I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.
Black humour is like a pair of legs. Not everyone has it.