A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She’s laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: “All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?” The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: “I have no idea. We’re just painting the corridor.”
Since it started to rain, my wife can't stop looking through the window. If it will start pouring down, I'm afraid I will have to let her inside.
Strong people don't put other people down. They lift them up and slam them to the ground for maximum impact.
*Wakes up to wife and son screaming* Me: "What are you guys yelling about?" Them: "You're driving!"
Want to hear a clean joke? The boy took a bath with bubbles. Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was a man.
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Two strangers meet on a golf course and decide to play together. One man says, "I'm a salesman. What about you?" "I'm a hit man for the mob," replies the second man. He pulls out a high powered rifle loaded with scopes and sights. He then asks the man where he lives. Nervously, the first man replies, "In a subdivision just west of here. Gray roof, yellow siding." "You got a silver compact and a red pickup?" "The compact is my wife's car, but that's my buddy Jeff's truck." The hit man looks through the scope again. "Well, they're going at it like teenagers in your bedroom." "I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot him in the balls." The hit man says, "I get paid $5,000 per shot." "I don't care! Just do it!" The hit man takes careful aim and says, "This is your lucky day. You're going to get a two for one!"
They say the surest way to a man's heart is through the stomach. But personally, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.
"Daddy, there is a man at the door. He says he is collecting for the nursing home." "That's perfect. Tell him grandpa is coming in a moment."