Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. The angel said "Unfortunately, there’s only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted." The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity." The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question. The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word. The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven." Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?" "Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair – no matter how big they are."
If Charlie Sheen is winning, it's only because Chuck Norris isn't playing.
A real man would never cry in public unless: He watched a movie in which a heroic dog dies to save his master. Or if Heidi klum unbuckled her shirt. Or if he accidentally dropped crates full of beer.
Yo momma so black Batman came and said damn b*tch I thought I was the dark night.
Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives? Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.
Wolverine has been called indestructible because of his adamantium skeleton... until Chuck Norris broke every bone in his body.
Leonardo DiCaprio only starred in Inception because if he didn't, Chuck Norris will enter his dream and roundhouse kick him into limbo.
Charles isn't in charge. Chuck is!
When you're driving and Nicki Minaj is on all 3 radio stations at the exact same time, there's nothing left to do except crash your car.
Darth Vader wears a Chuck Norris mask for Halloween.