Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed? Yeah... now he has no ears.
I would actually use Siri if the voice sounded like Morgan Freeman.
Everybody loves Raymond. Except for Chuck Norris.
There is man sitting in a bar who is really, really drunk. When the bar closes he gets up to go home. He stumbles and falls couple of times and finally manages to get out of the door. As he gathers himself, he sees a nun passing by. He stumbles over to her and starts punching her in the face. The nun is shocked beyond belief, but before she could say anything, he leans over and punches her again. This time the nun hits the pavement. The drunk stumbles over to her, kicks her in the butt, picks her up and throws her against the wall. By now the nun is very weak and can barely move. He leans over her, grabbing her by the collar of her habit and says, "Not feeling too STRONG tonight, I thought you would be tougher Batman!"
Not even Houdini can escape from Chuck Norris.
Q: Why does Luke Skywalker always ask for favors? A: Because he needs someone to lend a hand.
Chuck Norris sleeps with his gun over his pillow.
Q: If Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood and Bill Clinton participated in a spelling contest, who would win? A: Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that "harass" is one word.
Chuck Norris once gave a man an apple. Today that man is known as Steve Jobs.
Chuck Norris roundhoused some wannabe cop named Agent Sasevel so hard that it rearranged the letters of his name to Steven Seagal.