Chuck Norris can block Mark Zuckerberg's Facebook account.
Why did Steve Jobs live his last moments in regret? They say your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. Unfortunately for Steve Jobs, his iPhone 4S didn't have a Flash player installed!
There is man sitting in a bar who is really, really drunk. When the bar closes he gets up to go home. He stumbles and falls couple of times and finally manages to get out of the door. As he gathers himself, he sees a nun passing by. He stumbles over to her and starts punching her in the face. The nun is shocked beyond belief, but before she could say anything, he leans over and punches her again. This time the nun hits the pavement. The drunk stumbles over to her, kicks her in the butt, picks her up and throws her against the wall. By now the nun is very weak and can barely move. He leans over her, grabbing her by the collar of her habit and says, "Not feeling too STRONG tonight, I thought you would be tougher Batman!"
I would actually use Siri if the voice sounded like Morgan Freeman.
A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper. He sits down and orders a beer. After taking a drink he sees the guy next to him go over to the window and jump out! "Holy cow! Did you see that!? That guy just jumped out the window!" The bartender does nothing. So the man takes another sip. A minute later the same guy walks in, orders another drink, chugs it, and jumps out the window again. "Jesus! He just jumped again!" The bartender ignores the man. So the man sits puzzled. The guy comes back into the bar, and orders another drink. "How did you survive that jump?" "I ordered a floatie drink, if you drink it in a certain amount of time, you can float." So the guy quickly orders a floatie drink. He takes it from the bartender, and chugs it. He then jumps out the window and... SPLAT! Right on the sidewalk! The Bartender then says, "You know, Superman... you can be a real jerk when youre drunk."
What do you call it when Miley Cyrus falls down? Hoe-Down.
Chuck Norris does Rachel Marron's work.
Jason Bourne is Chuck Norris' daughter...
If you say "alright" in the mirror 3 times Matthew McConaughey will appear and hand you a joint.
Lebron better than Jordan? Ha! Yea right. Talk to me when Lebron saves the looney tunes from an alien race.