I like my girl to be Hannah on the streets but Miley in the sheets.
Everytime a someone tells me my jokes are funny, I say, "Thanks! I got more lines than Whitney Huston's coffee table.".
How come the village Guy Fawkes won the Nobel Peace Prize? Cause he was outstanding in his field.
Grandma: "Why is that dumb piece of cotton candy talking." Me: "Grandma, thats Nikki Minaj."
What does a black person and Batman have in common? They both can't leave home without Robbin.
This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing. One hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says: "Hey, how the heck are you doing that?!" The first guy responds: "Oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "WOW!", exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!." So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender looks over to the first man and says: "Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
Superman got his powers when Chuck Norris sneezed on him.
Why does Rick Ross rap about cars when he cant fit in them.
I unfollowed Taylor Swift on Twitter... I'm sure she's gonna write a song about it.
Chuck Norris and Jean-Claude Van Damme play tug a war with live annacondas.