Jesus said to John, "Come forth and receive eternal life."
He came fifth and received a toaster.
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An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator.
Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart.
Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy.
Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell.
A man entered the elevator and immediately made a face.
"Holy cow! What's that smell?"
"I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?"
"Like someone crapped a Christmas tree."
How did Nicki Minaj know what Lil Wayne is giving her for Christmas?
Lil Wayne isn't very good at wrapping.
The only Christmas present Chuck Norris ever gives is allowing you to live.
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The Grinch stole Christmas until Chuck Norris ordered him to return it.
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Girl: What if a boy hugs me?
Mom: Say Don't
Girl: What if he kisses me?
Mom: Say stop.
The next day when the girl goes to school her boyfriend hugs and kisses her well so she says as her mother told her to do and she quickly said DON'T STOP!...
Yo momma is so old that her first Christmas was the first Christmas.
Life’s a bitch, and then you’re reincarnated.
Q: What is an atheist's favorite Christmas movie?
A: "Coincidence on 34th Street"
Life is like a definite integral.
Integral from birthday to death ( LOVE ) dx = LIFE