You know you're getting old when Santa starts looking younger.
Jesus said to John, "Come forth and receive eternal life." He came fifth and received a toaster.
Yo mama so stupid someone said Christmas was around the corner and she went looking for it.
The only Christmas present Chuck Norris ever gives is allowing you to live.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I'm turning my house into an Italian restaurant.
Q: Why do Mexicans have tamales for Christmas? A: So they'll have something to unwrap.
If Santa comes down the chimney this year and tries to stuff you in his sack, don't worry, because I wished for you for Christmas.
What did the black kid get for Christmas? YOUR BIKE!
Yo momma is so poor for Christmas she got a box, put two sticks on it, spun it and said son here's your xbox 360.
This Christmas, Santa is sending a message to the naughty children to stop being bad. He stuffing their stocking with Chuck Norris!