The best dirty jokes

Two eggs boiling in a pan. One says, "I've got a huge crack." The other replies, "Stop teasing me, I'm not f*cking hard yet."
Vote: has 81.43 % from 284 votes. Send joke:

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Me: Can I call an officer a pussy? Cop: No. Me: Can I call a pussy 'officer?' Cop: I guess you could... Me: Goodnight, officer
Vote: has 81.33 % from 459 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: cop, dirty
I saw a sign in a public toilet the other day. It said "Please leave this toilet in the condition that you would have liked to have found it in." So I left it with a porn mag and a line of coke ...
Vote: has 81.30 % from 161 votes. Send joke:

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Q: How do you cancel an appointment at a sperm bank? A: Tell them you can't cum.
Vote: has 81.25 % from 58 votes. Send joke:

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Boy: My magic watch says that you don't have any underwear on. Girl: Well its wrong... Boy: Guess my watch is 15 minutes fast
Vote: has 81.24 % from 422 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty, time
A man gets the words 'I love you' tattoed to his penis. He goes home and shows his wife. His wife says, "Don't try to put words into my mouth!"
Vote: has 81.24 % from 1043 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: communication, dirty, love, wife
Q: What do tofu and a dildo have in common? A: They are both meat substitutes.
Vote: has 81.23 % from 191 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty, masturbation
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy back wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.
Vote: has 81.22 % from 328 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, dirty
A guy orders spaghetti in a restaurant. In the middle of eating he finds a hair in his food. He says to the waiter, "I'm not paying for this dirty meal," and walks out. The waiter watches the guy go into a whorehouse. The waiter waits about 10 minutes, bursts through the door and finds the guy with his face buried in p**sy. The waiter says, "You eat p**sy and complain about one hair in your spaghetti." The man replies, "Yeah, and if I find any spaghetti in this p**sy, I'm not paying for it either."
Vote: has 81.19 % from 91 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty, food
Girl Cop: "You have to right to remain silent. Anything you say or do will be used against you." Guy: "Boobs!"
Vote: has 81.10 % from 522 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: cop, dirty