A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac."
He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour."
She says, "How much for all night?"
Q: If a horses foot covers 2 acres of land, what will his tail cover?
A: His ass!
Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke
He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "
Yes i do " and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks
"Where did you get this?"
The guy replies "
Oh I have a personal genie"
The first man asks
"Can i make a wish? "
Sure says the other man
"Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"
"Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says "
I want a Million Bucks "
The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other "
Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt He?"
The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"
There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own.
He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them.
As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date.
This was the first time this had occurred.
As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived.
Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo.
We're going to the show, is she ready to go?"
The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?"
Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door.
The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.
I like my women how I like my laptop.
Sat on my lap, turned on & completely virus free.
A little boy went up to his father and asked:
"Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied.
"Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"
A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.”
The priest says, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”
“Never Father, I’m Jewish.”
“So then, why are you telling me?”
“I’m telling everybody!”
An old woman goes in to a sex shop, shaking.
"Sir," she says in a shaky voice, "do you sell vibrators?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"And are they this big around and this long?" she asks in a shaky voice.
"Yes, ma'am."
"And they're $22.95?" she asks in a shaky voice.
"Yes, ma'am."
"How do you turn them off?"
A woman asked her lover, "Would you keep f*ck me that much even after marriage?
He replied, "Sure dear, if your husband had no objection."
My penis was in the Guiness Book of Records... until the librarian kicked me out.