The best dirty jokes

Q. Why doesn't Santa have any children? A. Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.
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has 73.64 % from 95 votes. More jokes about: dirty
After 20 years of marriage, a wife finds out that her husband had been f*cking her for the past 20 years with a dildo! she is so angry she asks her husband to "Explain the dildo". The husband replies "explain the kids?!"
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has 73.63 % from 164 votes. More jokes about: dirty, husband, kids, marriage, time
Q: What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic? A: Snap-on tools!
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has 73.55 % from 544 votes. More jokes about: dirty, lesbian, mechanic
A man calls 911 emergency: " Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!" After five minutes, the same man calls back: "It is ok, I found another one."
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has 73.50 % from 201 votes. More jokes about: dirty, mean, phone, sex, time
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
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has 73.49 % from 180 votes. More jokes about: dirty, game, masturbation, sex
A woman asked her lover, "Would you keep f*ck me that much even after marriage? He replied, "Sure dear, if your husband had no objection."
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has 73.45 % from 116 votes. More jokes about: dirty
An ugly bloke walks into a pub with a huge grin on his face. "What are you so happy about ?" asks the landlord. "Well, I live by the railway and on my way home last night I noticed a woman tied to the tracks. I cut her free and we shagged all night !" "Did you get a blow job ?" asks the landlord. "No ..." he says, "I never found the head."
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has 73.45 % from 116 votes. More jokes about: dirty
Friend pisses me off so I poked holes in his condom the night before he uses it. Three months later... my mom's pregnant.
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has 73.41 % from 171 votes. More jokes about: dirty
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
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has 73.31 % from 85 votes. More jokes about: dirty
Once there was this man whose car broke down. He realized after looking for help for 10 minutes that there was a small farmhouse with an old lady sitting on the porch. He told her his unfortunate story and she gladly let him in. But first she told him, ''I have three rules that you musn't break or I'll see to it that you meet justice! But since talking hurts my throat so much, I won't tell you my rules.'' She let him sleep in the laundry room. He found himself a comfortable pile of old wool sweaters. After puffing his "pillow" he realized that a pair of pants were hanging down from a clothes line over top of his new bed. Seeing that it was no big deal he pulled them down. Instantly the old lady darted into the room and said, ''YOU BROKE MY FIRST RULE!'' He was sent outside to sleep in the donkey's stable. Right beside him was a tiny donkey kicking him so much that he slapped it. In a flash grandma was there: ''You broke the second rule. Watch out.'' He was sent onto the porch to sleep. All of a sudden a big, ugly cat came along and started rubbing all over him. Being allergic to cat hair, he shaved it bald. Here came the grandma. ''You broke the third rule,'' she starts, ''I'm calling the cops.'' The cops came and requested a description of what happened. The old lady said, ''That man is a damned rapist. He pulled down my pants, slapped my ass and shaved my pussy!''
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has 73.23 % from 203 votes. More jokes about: dirty
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