Jimmy was staring at a dog in the park whilst the dog was licking himself in inappropriate parts and said to his dad, "I wish I could do that." Jimmy's dad looked down at Jimmy and said, "Maybe if you ask the dog nicely, he might let you!"
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values. At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison. Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, ".....but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?" He said, "...Scr*w him...give him a dollar." The blonde then blushed and said, "....But the breakfast was my idea."
An ugly bloke walks into a pub with a huge grin on his face. "What are you so happy about ?" asks the landlord. "Well, I live by the railway and on my way home last night I noticed a woman tied to the tracks. I cut her free and we shagged all night !" "Did you get a blow job ?" asks the landlord. "No ..." he says, "I never found the head."
They were three men discussing how to make their wives to tell them if they cheated on them. The first guy says: "I go home after work at night, lie on the couch, turn on the television and ask: 'Woman you cheated on me today!' 'Who, me my husband? Could I ever do such a thing?' Pissed off as I am, I get up, put her down, punch her and in the end she can’t take it anymore and admits: 'I cheated on you with Nick…'" The secong guy says: "I do exactly the same thing. I punch her and finally she says: 'I cheated on you with Jake…'" The third guy says: "I have no problem at all. I go home, undress, put the sweat pants on, light my cigarette on, I go out to the balcony, see the neighbor spreading clothes and shout at her: 'Mary! You are a whore!' And then she starts saying: 'I’m a whore? Or your wife who sleeps with John, Mark, Peter…!'"
Q: Why did they make glow in the dark condoms? A: So gay guys can play star wars.
Q: What do you call a prostitute with her hand down her skirt? A: Self-employed.
How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? Even the pool table has no balls.
Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex: - You can GET chocolate. - Chocolate satisfies even when it's gone soft. - You can safely have chocolate while you are driving. - You can have chocolate in in public. - If you bite the nuts, the chocolate won't mind. - The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate. - You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate. - No need to fake your enjoyment of chocolate. - Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant. - You can have chocolate at any time of the month. - You are never too young or too old for chocolate. - Size doesn't matter - though more is still better.
A guy is walking along the shoreline at the beach wearing just a pair of cutoff jeans. Sure enough, he kicks up a bottle, pulls the cork, and out comes the Genie to give him one wish. He pulls out a map of the Middle East, and asks the Genie if he can bring Peace to this part of the World. The Genie pales, and says, "Master, these people have been at war since time began. It is their nature, woven into the very fabric of their lives. What you ask is totally impossible. It is probably the only wish I cannot grant you. Ask for anything else and I will make it happen." "Okay", the guy says. "Tomorrow morning have my wife awaken me, with the best blowjob I've ever had, on her own, without my begging and pleading - just because she likes it, because she wants to, and because it turns her on." The Genie shakes his head and says, "Let me see that map again!
Q: Why don't witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks? A: Better traction.