A crazy man jumps from the bushes and opens his coat in front of an old lady to surprise and terrify her.
The granny takes a look at him and sais: "oh, dash, I´ve forgotten to buy the eggs."
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A man is driving his eighteen wheeler down the road, when he sees a hitch hiker.
So the trucker stops and picks up the man.
While they are driving down the road, the trucker says "Hey man, you wanna see something pretty cool?"
The hitch hiker says sure.
So the trucker has this monkey in the back, and he makes it come up with the men, and he smacks the monkey up side his head, and the monkey gives him a blow job.
So after that, the trucker says "Hey man, do you want some of that?"
And the hitch hiker says "Sure, but just don't smack me so hard."
A Saudi prince recently requested that naked statues be covered up while visiting Rome.
Apparently his 9 year old wife found them offensive.
Police arrested Joe Bloggs, a 27-year old white male and resident of Wimbledon UK, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday.
Bloggs will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that after a night of drinking, as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop.
"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles.
At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.
Bloggs went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, poked a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Bloggs apparently failed to notice the Wimbledon Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer B.T. approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said Officer BT. "I walked up to (Bloggs) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin".
BT went on to describe what happened when she approached Bloggs:
"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me, sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'
He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said,
'A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?'"
Whats the difference between a coffin and a condom?
One you go in the other you come in!
One day a fellow came into the bar with a cat, not just any cat, but a mean-looking ginger tom.
You could see the scars from across the room.
But that wasn't the weirdest thing; a six-foot ostrich - eyes like golf balls, followed them in - a real live ostrich!
I asked the man what he wanted.
"I'll have a pint of bitter," he said.
"A pint of lager for the ostrich and a gin and tonic for the cat."
The cat hissed at him.
"Make that a double gin and tonic. Thanks."
Well, I served the drinks, he paid, and they all knocked 'em back.
Wasn't long before the ostrich came back to the bar, and made it clear that it wanted the same again.
Well, I poured them.
I could feel the cat's eyes burning through me as if he was checking that he got his double again.
I took the drinks over to them, and the man paid, taking the cash from a purse tied around the ostrich's neck.
This went on for a couple of hours.
The man and the ostrich buying alternate rounds, while the cat just sat on the window shelf with his drink, looking fit to kill.
The whole place got quiet.
People sat and stared, and who could blame them?
Eventually, I plucked up the courage to ask the fellow just what was going on.
"Can't a man have a quiet drink anymore?" he rasped.
So I said, "No harm meant, but you've got to admit that you're a unique set of drinkers.
He smiled, but there was no light in that smile.
"Okay, you want to know? I'll tell you."
"I was across town the other week, working on the new road. Amid the dirt and the rubble, I turned up this old brass lamp. I rubbed it, thinking there might be a date or inscription or something. Anyway, out comes this cloud of smoke and a Genie appeared. You know - turban, scimitar, and the whole works. And he tells me I've got just one wish."
"And before you ask, yes, I did wish for a long-legged bird with a tight pussy. But this wasn't what I had in mind."
Women need a reason to have sex - men just need a place.
One day a priest told the Mother Superior that he was going into town and try to convert some ladies of the evening.
Later off he went and drove to a certain part of town known for the ladies of the evening.
The first one he approached asked him before he had a chance to say a word she said "heh Father, how about a little head for 10"
He was clueless and embarrassed and left quickly.
He approached another young woman and again before he could say a word she said "heh Father, how about a little head for 10?"
Again he left quickly and returned to the convent.
Once back he saw Mother Superior and quietly took him aside and whispered Mother Superior "what's head?"
She replied "$10.00 same as in town."
Q: Ever had sex while camping?
A: It's fucking intents.
Q: What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
A: Snowballs.