The best dirty jokes

One day a fellow came into the bar with a cat, not just any cat, but a mean-looking ginger tom. You could see the scars from across the room. But that wasn't the weirdest thing; a six-foot ostrich - eyes like golf balls, followed them in - a real live ostrich! I asked the man what he wanted. "I'll have a pint of bitter," he said. "A pint of lager for the ostrich and a gin and tonic for the cat." The cat hissed at him. "Make that a double gin and tonic. Thanks." Well, I served the drinks, he paid, and they all knocked 'em back. Wasn't long before the ostrich came back to the bar, and made it clear that it wanted the same again. Well, I poured them. I could feel the cat's eyes burning through me as if he was checking that he got his double again. I took the drinks over to them, and the man paid, taking the cash from a purse tied around the ostrich's neck. This went on for a couple of hours. The man and the ostrich buying alternate rounds, while the cat just sat on the window shelf with his drink, looking fit to kill. The whole place got quiet. People sat and stared, and who could blame them? Eventually, I plucked up the courage to ask the fellow just what was going on. "Can't a man have a quiet drink anymore?" he rasped. So I said, "No harm meant, but you've got to admit that you're a unique set of drinkers. He smiled, but there was no light in that smile. "Okay, you want to know? I'll tell you." "I was across town the other week, working on the new road. Amid the dirt and the rubble, I turned up this old brass lamp. I rubbed it, thinking there might be a date or inscription or something. Anyway, out comes this cloud of smoke and a Genie appeared. You know - turban, scimitar, and the whole works. And he tells me I've got just one wish." "And before you ask, yes, I did wish for a long-legged bird with a tight pussy. But this wasn't what I had in mind."
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has 66.43 % from 63 votes. More jokes about: bar, cat, communication, dirty, genie
There were three women sitting at a bar, talking about how loose they were. One woman said that her husband could fit his arm in up to his elbow. The next woman said her man could fit his leg in up to his knee. The last woman just slid over the bar stool.
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has 66.41 % from 87 votes. More jokes about: bar, dirty, husband
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house everyone felt shitty even the mouse. Mom at the whorehouse and dad smoking grass, I settled down for a nice piece of ass. When all of a sudden I heard such a clatter, I sprung from my place to see what was the matter. When out on the lawn I saw a big dick, I new in a moment it must be Saint Nick. He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell, I knew in a moment the f*cker had fell. He filled all of our stockings with pretzels and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer. He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart, the son of a b*tch tore the chimney apart. He swore and he cursed as he flew out of sight, "piss on you all and have a hell of a night."
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has 66.39 % from 225 votes. More jokes about: animal, Christmas, dirty, fart
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
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has 66.34 % from 80 votes. More jokes about: dirty, husband, marriage, wife
Grass is green, trees are greener. When I think of you, I play with my wiener.
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has 66.34 % from 80 votes. More jokes about: dirty, masturbation, poems
On the other day in a cemetery, I saw a woman who was rubbing her ass to a grave. When I asked the reason, she answered: "It was my husband when he was alive; always he told me: 'Your ass is so sweet whenever any dead man touches it he'll be alive!'"
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has 66.27 % from 90 votes. More jokes about: dirty, husband, sex
A father has three daughters that are all getting married on the same day. He asks his oldest daughter, ''Who do you wish to marry? She says, ''Father, I wish to marry the man with three dragons on his chest.'' He walks over to his second daughter and asks her the same question. She replies, ''Father, I wish to marry the man with two dragons on his chest.'' He then goes to his youngest daughter and asks her the same thing: ''Who do you wish to marry?'' She replies, ''I wish to marry the man with one draggin' on the floor!''
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has 66.27 % from 73 votes. More jokes about: dirty
There was once a lady making a stew for dinner when she found she had no onions,so with no time to waste she raced to the shops, burst in saying could i have some onions please. The shopkeeper replied sorry lady we are fresh out of onions. The lady said but i really need onions and gave all the reasons why in one big sentence. The shopkeeper said look lady,I`ll put it to you another way and continued to ask her- if you take the o from tomato what do you have? The lady said tomat,Yes said the man and if you take the o from potato what do you have? The lady said potat. Yes said the man behind the counter,now if you take the fuck out of onions what do you have? "But there's no fuck in onions",said the lady,Yes said the man, That's what I have been trying to tell you!"
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has 66.09 % from 76 votes. More jokes about: dirty
Why do people say 'Grow some balls?' Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.
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has 66.07 % from 116 votes. More jokes about: dirty
A mother without any pant was playing with her son. The boy pointing to her mother's pussy asked: "Mammy, what is that dark wooly between your feet? Mother: "My sweet that is a brush." Son: "Where is it's bundle?" Mother: "In your daddy's pant."
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has 66.04 % from 106 votes. More jokes about: communication, dirty, kids, sex
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