Whats the second thing thats hard in the morning? waking up!
Chuck Norris once wrestled a thirty foot snake, and then he realized he was just masturbating.
My girlfriend always calls me a pedophile, and all I can think is "Wow that is a big word for a nine year old."
George meets a genie in the street, which tells him to make a wish and it will make it true. "I want to pee whiskey," he says. “But are you sure? You can ask for money, wealth, anything you want." "No I want to pee whiskey." The genie thinks what can it do, it makes his wish true. George goes home, calls his wife, Sue: "Woman, get nuts and two glasses." Curious she was, she brings them. "What do you want them? She asks him. Once we don’t have any drinks." From now on, we will both have as much whiskey as we want, says to her. And really he fills the two glasses with whiskey. They clink, drink one, drink two drinks, make some fun … and play a little game. The other night the same happen. "Woman, bring two glasses and nuts." So they spend their evenings. One night, however, the scene changed. "Woman, bring nuts and a cup." "A, for one?" "You will drink from the bottle today."
Dad tries to persuade his son to eat the egg he has prepared for him: "Eat your egg my child to become as big as daddy!" "I do not want," says the little one. "Eat it my boy to become strong and powerful." "I’m telling you, no!" insists the youngest. "My dear son eat your egg to make your bird grow." And the mom from the inside "George, you eat the egg… I’ll make burgers for the kid!"
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? "We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!"
Tow millipedes went for honey moon. The male one asked: "My darling, between which feet is your pussy, please?"
Dad: "Who do you think the committee screwed this year?" Me: "Mom."
Q: What do men and garbage bags have in common? A: Black are bigger than white.
Q: Why did the man put condoms on his ears during sex? A: He didn't want to get hearing aids.