How do you make a snooker table laugh. Put your hands in its pocket and tickle its balls.
Dad: "Who do you think the committee screwed this year?" Me: "Mom."
I'd have a comeback for that, but all my come's backed up in your throat.
Aaron Hernandez goes to prison as a tight end. He'll come out a wide receiver!
"Is it rape if it's your wife?" "I don't think so." "What a relief! I thought you'd be mad as hell!"
If your right leg was Halloween and the other one was Christmas I would have come visit you between the holidays.
Q: What did the prick say to the balls? A: You guys hang around here while I go inside!
Patient: "I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?" Doctor: "You’ve had an accident involving a bus." Patient: "What happened?" Doctor: "Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?" Patient: "Give me the bad news first." Doctor: "Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them." Patient: "That’s terrible! What’s the good news?" Doctor: "There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers."
Babe when I die I want you to cremate me, pour my ashes into a bowl of chili, and eat me just so I can tear that ass up one more time!
He came into my room late at night. He sat over my body, He sucked, swallowed and he left. It was terrible. It was a BLOODY MOSQUITO!