Alfie was listening to his sister practice her singing.
"Sis," he said, "I wish you'd sing Christmas carols."
"Thats nice of you, Alfie," she replied, "but why?"
Alfie replied, "Because then I'd only have to hear your voice once a year!"
A young man walks into a bar and orders a Kamikaze.
As soon as he is severed he slams it down. And before the bartender can walk away he calls out I need a shot of Tequila.
So the bat tender pours the tequila. And no sooner than he is server he slam it back and then the young man asks for a shot of Gin.
The bar tender compiles with the request, and out of curiosity asks the young man are you celebrating?
The young man nods, and says quietly mt first blow job.
The bartender smiles and says I remember my first.
The young man looks up and says so how did you get rid of that taste?
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
A: The blonde works in the dark!
Vote:
Theres this girl,she is five.
She goes spying on her big sister and she hears her cussing out her boyfriend and she says,"you mother fucking asshole!"
Just then jill, thats the little girl,interrupts them talking and blurts out, "Big Sis,what does asshole mean?
The girl surprised by the question,says BOYFRIEND!
Okay , so the girl runs off onto the bathroom.
Jill sneaks up on her dad while he was shaving and says boo!
THE dad says "Shit!"
So the girl ask her dad "What does shit mean?"
And he stammers "Shaving cream".
So she said okay and went about her day.
Jill then runs into her mom, who was in the kitchen cutting the turkey.
Her mom is startled when Jill comes in, cuts her hand, and says "Fuck!".
So Jill ask "What does fuck mean momma?"
And scramblimg for an answer, her mom says "cutting."
All of the sudden, they hear the door.
Jill answers and sees her Dads boss at the door.
He ask "Sweetie, do you know where you everyone is at?"
And she says, "Well, my sister’s talking to her asshole, my Moms fucking the turkey and my Dads wiping the shit off his face."
Roses are red
violets are blue.
My dick has glue
I offer it to you.
Did you hear about the gay guy that's on the patch?
He's down to four butts a day.
Yo mama ass so big your dad's dick gets lost in it.
You don't have to wait until midnight to see my balls drop.
Do you work at a cattery?
Because I wanna be covered in pussy.
Patient: "I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?"
Doctor: "You’ve had an accident involving a bus."
Patient: "What happened?"
Doctor: "Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Patient: "Give me the bad news first."
Doctor: "Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them."
Patient: "That’s terrible! What’s the good news?"
Doctor: "There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers."