My girlfriend always calls me a pedophile, and all I can think is "Wow that is a big word for a nine year old."
Patient: "I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?" Doctor: "You’ve had an accident involving a bus." Patient: "What happened?" Doctor: "Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?" Patient: "Give me the bad news first." Doctor: "Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them." Patient: "That’s terrible! What’s the good news?" Doctor: "There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers."
When Viagra first came out my wife and I decided to give it a go to see what all the fuss was about. I popped the pill and waited the 15 minutes and then it was on for young and old. We timed the performance to the minute and it all finally subsided at 3 hours and 17 minutes. I asked the missus what she thought and she simply stated that she couldn't understand what all the hype was about for an extra 17 minutes...
Listening to censored hip-hop is like going to a whore for a hug.
Q: What did the prick say to the balls? A: You guys hang around here while I go inside!
Q: Why did the lumber truck stop? A: To let the lumber jack off.
Chuck Norris is the only known mammal in history to have an opposable thumb. On his penis.
Sure, I love to cook, but that doesn't mean I'm against eating out.
Q. What do a toilet and a woman have in common? A. Without the hole in the middle they aren't good for shit.
Girl: "Do you believe in puppy love?" Boy: "I tried it once, but their assholes are too small."