Q: What is the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
A: The taste
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Q: What did the Lawyer say to the lesbian?
A: One slip of the tongue and you will be in s**t!
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Bob walks into a public bathroom and notices a guy with no arms standing next to a urinal.
As Bob takes care of his business, he wonders how the poor soul is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and heads for the door, but figures he should ask the man if he needs help.
"Oh yes please!?" the man cries.
"You have a kind heart, sir," says the man with no arms.
But as Bob goes ahead, unzips the man, and pulls his willy out, he encounters all kinds of mold, red bumps, moles, scabs, scars, and other unpleasant-looking things.
The armless man asks Bob to kindly point it... then shake it, put it back and zip it.
So Bob, gathers his courage, shuts his eyes and does so.
"Thank you very much, sir!" says the armless man.
"No problem," says Bob "but what the hell is wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls pulls his arms out of his shirt and says "I don't know, but I ain't touching it!"
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One day a miserable toothbrush sits down and says, "Sometimes I feel I have the worst job in the world."
Then the toilet paper yells, "Think again buddy!"
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Little Johnny: "I've piss may I go out?"
Teacher : "Piss is an impolite word instead you say I've number 1."
Jimmy: "May I go out? I want to shit."
Teacher: "Shit is also a bad word it is better to use number 2 instead."
Ronald: "There is a wind in my belly give me please a number for it."
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Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a
Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
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Q: How can you tell if you're in a gay church?
A: Only half the congregation is kneeling.
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Q: What do Michael Jackson and Santa have in common?
A: After a night of visiting children, they both have empty sacks.
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An eagle swoops down from the sky and eats a mouse.
Three hours later, while the eagle is flying, the mouse sticks its head out of the eagle's butt and asks, "How high up are we?"
"About 2,000 feet," the eagle replies.
The mouse replies, "You ain't sh*ttin' me, are you?"
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Two cannibals are eating dinner and one says, "I hate my mother-in-law."
The other replies, "Well, just eat your noodles, then."
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