Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? A: Pick it up and suck it's dick.
What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? See ya next month.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Santa have in common? A: After a night of visiting children, they both have empty sacks.
What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet? After you use a toilet it doesn't follow you around for three days.
Three little old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher came by in only an overcoat and opened it as wide as it could go. The first little old lady had a stroke, the second little old lady also had a stroke, but the third little old lady couldn't reach.
A woman finds out that her husband is cheating on her, so she decides to leave him a present. When he gets home, he finds an empty house, a bowl of cookies, and a video. He scarfs down the cookies, and pops in the video. On TV, he sees his wife sucking his best friend's d**k. He comes in her mouth, and she immediately spits the jizz into a bowl of cookie dough. Then she turns to the camera. "Oh, hello, I want a divorce."
Two cannibals are eating dinner and one says, "I hate my mother-in-law." The other replies, "Well, just eat your noodles, then."
One day a miserable toothbrush sits down and says, "Sometimes I feel I have the worst job in the world." Then the toilet paper yells, "Think again buddy!"
Sperm 1: How much longer tell we get to the egg? Sperm 2: We've still got a long way to go. We're only half way down the esophagus.
Say, "Do I smell popcorn?" right after you fart. So everybody takes a big whiff.