Q: What does a plumber need to know about his job? A: Sh*t runs downhill and payday is on Friday.
I have a green nose, three red mouths, and four purple ears. What am I? Ugly!
This desperate guy named Jim goes to the whorehouse with 5$. He buys a the cheapest prostitute named Sandpaper Sally. As they start to have sex, Jim screams, "Ouch! Now I know why they call you Sandpaper Sally!" Sally scoots out of the room. Five minutes later she came back and Jim attempts sex once again. "What the hell happened?" asks Jim, "This is the best sex I''ve ever had!" Sally replies, "Oh, I just picked my scabs."
Q: What did the pedophile say when he was released from prison? A: "I feel like a kid again."
Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs, with a ten inch penis? A: "Partially disabled."
Prostitute 1: Tonight's my night I can smell c**k in the air. Prostitute 2: Oh, sorry. I burped.
Q: What do you call the sweat on your balls after having sex with your cousin? A: Relative humidity.
Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job? A: After 10 years the job still sucks.
"If we don't change the direction we're going, we're likely to end up at the wrong end." "People who go out of their way to help others have great taste." "An eye for an eye leaves everybody blind, but not hungry." "Don't give up though the pace seems slow, you may succeed at another morgue." "A journey of a hundred trillion cells begins with a single nibble." "The only difference between a big shot and a little shot is that the big shot takes longer to chew." "It's all right to have little butterflies in your stomach. In fact, I'd say a trip to the elementary school play is a wonderful idea." "You don't know what your appetite can get away with until you try. Or are tried." "If you carry your childhood with you, you should probably go the bathroom soon." "Never keep up with Joneses. Have them over for dinner." "Let your hook always be cast. In the pool where you least expect it, will be a very startled swimmer."
How do you make a woman scream twice in the bedroom? Fuck her in the ass then wipe your dick on the curtains.