The best disgusting jokes

3 bums were outside a bar. The first one went in and asked for a fork. The second one went in and also asked for a fork. Then the third one went in and wanted a straw. At this point, the bartender became curious. "How come all your friends want forks and you want a straw?" "Well," the bum said, "the dog threw up and the chunks are all gone."
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One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," God said. Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time." Then, God came to Eve to pass on some news too. "I've got some good news and some bad news," God said. Eve looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things and have intelligent conversations with Adam. The other organ I have for you is called a vagina. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Adam will be very happy that you now have this organ to give him children." Eve, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" God looked upon Eve and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time. While you're bleeding through one of them every 28 days, the other will remain useless."
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Q: What would Princess Diana be doing if she were alive today? A: Clawing at the lid of her coffin.
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Boy while kissing his girlfriend: "Thank u baby... For give me your chewing gum.." Girl says, "This is not chewing gum my love. I’m suffering from cough!"
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Q: How does a redneck tell the difference between a bull and a cow in the dark? A: He sticks his nose in the animal's ass. If there's a place for his tongue, it's a cow.
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Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job? A: After 10 years the job still sucks.
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Q: How do you get a zombie baby into a bowl? A: A blender. Q: How do you get them out? A: Doritos.
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Why did God give women legs? So they don't leave a trail like a slug.
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What is the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield? It's ass.
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Three old men were sitting on a porch. "I wish I could take a healthy piss," said one. "I wish I could take a healthy crap," said another. "I can take a crap at 6 AM and a piss at 11 AM. I just wish I could get up before noon."
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More jokes about: disgusting, health, time