I named my dog Chuck Norris, but I couldn't train him because no one tells Chuck Norris what to do.
A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, “Wife, we’re going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog.”
The wife grimaces, “But I don’t like fishing!”
“Look! We’re going fishing and that’s final.”
“Do I have to go fishing with you… I really don’t want to go!”
“Right I’ll give you three choices… 1 You come fishing with me and the dog… 2 You give me a BLOW JOB…. 3 or you take it up the ass!”
The wife grimaces again, “But I don’t want to do any of those things!”
“Wife I’ve given you three options.. You’ll HAVE to do one of them! I’m going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!”
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, “Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?”
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, “O.K. I’ll give you a blow job!”
“Great!” He says and drops his pants.
The wife is on her knees doing the business.
Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, “Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting… It tastes all shitty!”
“Yes!” says her husband “The dog didn’t want to go fishing either.”
Q: What is the difference between a dogs ass and liberals?
A: Nancy Pelosi won't kiss a dogs ass!
I've trained my dog to bring me red wine.
It's a Bordeaux collie.
Yo' Mama is so nasty, when her dog farts, she takes the credit.
A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy.
A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks.
He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"
A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?"
The mother said, "Well, maybe that’s something you could ask the stewardess."
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."
Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?
A: Wet noses.
How do you know when a baby is a dead baby?
The dog plays with it more.
To the tune of "Walking in a Winter Wonderland":
Dog tags ring, are you listening'?
In the lane, snow is glistening.
It's yellow, not white I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.
Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wandering vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's my property.
Marked up as my winter wonderland."
In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go, man,
So all the world will know it's mine-mine-mine!
Straight from me to the fence post,
flows my natural incense boast,
"Stay off of my turf, this small piece of earth,
I mark it as my winter wonderland."