The best drug jokes

Boy asks his Gran nervously, "have you seen my pills ... they were labeled LSD ?" Gran replies "fuck your pills ! Have you seen the dragon in the kitchen ?!"
Vote: has 59.89 % from 46 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: drug, life
A young girl with a bag is crossing the customs. Customs officers check her bag and find some kind of powder. They ask the girl: "What kind of powder is that?" "Heroin" "But heroin is matte-white, and this powder is orange." "This is a kids' heroine – orange taste."
Vote: has 59.83 % from 43 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: age, cop, drug, kids
Charlie Sheen can achieve recovery by taking a drug called Chuck Norris.
Vote: has 58.75 % from 18 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: Chuck Norris, drug
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You’re cute!” Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’?” His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”
Vote: has 58.56 % from 21 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: beauty, drug, lawyer, wife
A patient: "Doctor, I don’t feel hungry after taking meal." Doctor: "Really, your condition is very serious. Wait a bit." (After sometime, the doctor holds out some medicines). Doctor: "Take these pills. You take one pill after your sleep and another one before you get-up."
Vote: has 58.56 % from 21 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: doctor, drug, food, life
A blonde walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms. "That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk. "What are the eight cents for?" asks the blonde. "It says one dollar right here on the packaging." "Tax," replies the clerk. "Gee," says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put."
Vote: has 56.98 % from 23 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: blonde, drug, money, tax
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well. The doctor examins him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?" The Doctor says, "You’re not drinking enough water."
Vote: has 56.86 % from 14 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: doctor, drug, life
If you say "alright" in the mirror 3 times Matthew McConaughey will appear and hand you a joint.
Vote: has 56.86 % from 14 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: celebrity, drug, weed
After some time I saw my doctor and he prescribed me a receipt, but he had prescribed me this receipt in the name of his mother Mrs. Ingrid, by mistake. I didn´t notice it, took this receipt, went to the drug-store, gave the receipt to the pharmacist together with the insurance card with the name John on it. The pharmacist took a look at me and has told me: "Dear, Mrs. Ingrid the name on the receipt doesn´t correspond with the name on the insurance card."
Vote: has 56.86 % from 14 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: doctor, drug
I like my women the same as I like my whiskey ... 20 years old and mixed up with coke !
Vote: has 55.51 % from 33 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: age, alcohol, drug, women


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