While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man’s balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the missing testicle with a pickled onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. “How’s your sex life?” asked the doctor. “Pretty good,” the man said, to the doctor’s obvious relief. But then the patient added, “I’ve had some strange side effects that are causing serious problems.” “What’s that?” the doctor asked anxiously. “Well, every time I urinate, my eyes water.” “Hmm,” said the doctor, thoughtfully. “That’s not all,” continued the patient. “When my wife does me orally, she gets heartburn.” “Hmm,” said the doctor, as his face reddened. “It gets worse, Doc. Now, every time I pass a hamburger stand….I get an erection!”
"Excuse me," he says to her, "do we know each other?" "Sure," she answers, "one of my children is yours!" The guy confused, thinks and suddenly remembers the only time he cheated his wife. So he asks her: "Were you that stripper invited at a bachelor party at the suburbs last spring and we ended up having wild sex in the kitchen? You had manacled my hands and you cramed a carrot in my a…!" The woman frowned answers: "No, I am your son’s philologist..."
What kind of bees make milk instead of honey? Boobies.
Bacons' favorite smell is Chuck Norris.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"
Gordan Ramsey:Theres more smoke in this kitchen than snopp dogg tour bus.
I'm not saying my wife is ugly... but on Halloween, she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.
Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients? They hid their own eggs!
They say the surest way to a man's heart is through the stomach. But personally, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.
Starbucks is offering a new drink to honor Nancy Pelosi. They call it the "fullacrapuccino".