*How girls become friends*
Omg I love your shoes!
*How guys become friends*
Excuse me sir, I see you fuck bitches, I myself, also fuck bitches.
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I kind a feel sorry for Hitler.
Looking back at some old photos of him, his friends always left him hanging when he went for a high-five.
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I and my two mates went to a hooker and she told us that it will cost us a pound an inch.
My first mate went in and came out after minutes, saying, it cost me a tenner!
My second mate went in and came out ten minutes later and said, it cost me £9.50!
I went in and came out ten minutes later and said, it cost me £3.50.!
"What do you mean," they asked me.
"I told them, you both paid on the way in but I paid on the way out."
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My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.
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None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
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One day, a guy walks into a pub and orders a beer.
His friend walks up and sees his red eyes and asks, "Dude, are you okay? You look exhausted".
He replies,"Yeah, I heard about what happened in your house yesterday too. Tough."
His friend says, "Yeah, I wish I could trust my wife a little more - wait... How did you know about that?"
He says,"I was there" and continues chugging his beer.
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Get bad marks, relatives will insult you.
Get good marks, friends will insult you.
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Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends' food looked like.
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When you are in Hospital, your friends ask: "Hey, how are you dear?"
But your best friend ask: "Hey buddy, how is the nurse?"
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Yo mama's so dumb that when she saw the "Under 17 not admitted" sign at a movie theatre, she went home and got 16 friends.
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