The best health jokes

Q: What do you give a sick bird? A: Tweetment!
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has 66.46 % from 23 votes. More jokes about: bird, health, internet
In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease".
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has 66.45 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, health
A doctor told his patient that his test results indicated that she had a rare disease and had only six months to live. "That's such a short amount of time, doctor. Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient. "Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."
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has 65.94 % from 79 votes. More jokes about: doctor, health, lawyer, marriage, time
Knock-knock Who is there? A shattered penis with many diseases. What kind of illness? Gall, Aids, Gonorrhea, Syphilis... Enough, it is the best present for my mother in law.
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has 65.88 % from 231 votes. More jokes about: black humor, health, knock-knock, mother in law, vulgar
Chuck Norris once gave a man the Hiemlich Manuever. That man still holds the record for most bones broken.
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has 65.16 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, health
I recently went to my new doctor. After two visits and exhaustive tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. I was a bit worried what he meant by that, so I asked him, "Do you think I'll live to be eighty, Doc?" He looked at me and asked me, "Do you smoke or drink beer or wine?" I said, "No, nothing like that. And I don't do drugs either." He looked at me again and asked me, "Okay, do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my old doctor told me that all red meat is very unhealthy." He looked at me again and asked me, "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" I replied, "No, nothing like that." He looked at me again and asked me, "And do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" I said, "No, nothing like that, Doc." He looked at me again and said, "Then why do you even care?"
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has 65.16 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: age, alcohol, doctor, health, wine
In 1996, Florida physical therapist Paul Shimkonis sued his local nudie bar claiming whiplash from a lap dancer's large breasts. Shimkonis felt he suffered physical harm and mental anguish from the breasts, which he claimed felt like "cement blocks" hitting him. Shimkonis sought justice in the amount of $15,000, which was denied.
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has 64.88 % from 18 votes. More jokes about: health, life, money
The newest therapy for healing the states of depression is so-called decapitation. It costs only 100 dollars but 50 dollars pays the health insurance company. The operation will be made only once and you will never feel depressive. I had also luck and I also gave an order to this kind of therapy. I wish well to myself.
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has 64.88 % from 18 votes. More jokes about: health, money
Q: What is the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? A: The taste
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has 64.73 % from 105 votes. More jokes about: disgusting, health
On Sunday little Johnny with his dad went for bathing. The ground was slippery. So poor boy for avoiding of knocking down grabbed his father's penis. His father smiled and told him: "Oh boy you are lucky. If you were with your mother you were concussion!"
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has 64.43 % from 85 votes. More jokes about: dad, dirty, health, little Johnny, women
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