The Total Gym uses Chuck Norris to stay in shape.
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Q: What do you give a sick bird?
A: Tweetment!
What's funnier than cancer?
Most things, really.
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Phone a friend and tell them you're a doctor, and you're very, very sorry, but you did everything you could to save their... then pretend that the connection dropped out.
Wait a couple beats, then give your deepest condolences.
Then hang up.
Q: How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne?
A: It's when the blind try to read your face.
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A husband asks his very ill wife at the hospital:
Tell me what is your last wish?
Nothing more, I just want to check my status on Facebook.
Q: What's worse than having termites in your piano?
A: Crabs on your organ.
Chuck Norris' pulse-rate is measured on the Richter Scale.
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Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"
Q: How can you tell when a blonde rejects a new brain transplant?
A: She sneezes.
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