The best health jokes

A doctor told his patient that his test results indicated that she had a rare disease and had only six months to live. "That's such a short amount of time, doctor. Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient. "Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."
Vote: has 65.94 % from 79 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: doctor, health, lawyer, marriage, time
A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. “This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!” “Oh my gosh,” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, doctor?” “Well we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.” “Will that cure me?” asked the man hopefully. The doctor replied, “Well no, but … it’s the only food we can get under the door.”
Vote: has 65.48 % from 26 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, doctor, food, health, hospital
One of my friends returned from Afghanistan and I asked him if he is going to the party tomorrow. He said he can't walk.
Vote: has 65.39 % from 71 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, health, military, party, war
On Sunday little Johnny with his dad went for bathing. The ground was slippery. So poor boy for avoiding of knocking down grabbed his father's penis. His father smiled and told him: "Oh boy you are lucky. If you were with your mother you were concussion!"
Vote: has 65.29 % from 84 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: dad, dirty, health, little Johnny, women
Chuck Norris once gave a man the Hiemlich Manuever. That man still holds the record for most bones broken.
Vote: has 65.16 % from 22 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: Chuck Norris, health
In 1996, Florida physical therapist Paul Shimkonis sued his local nudie bar claiming whiplash from a lap dancer's large breasts. Shimkonis felt he suffered physical harm and mental anguish from the breasts, which he claimed felt like "cement blocks" hitting him. Shimkonis sought justice in the amount of $15,000, which was denied.
Vote: has 64.88 % from 18 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: health, life, money
The newest therapy for healing the states of depression is so-called decapitation. It costs only 100 dollars but 50 dollars pays the health insurance company. The operation will be made only once and you will never feel depressive. I had also luck and I also gave an order to this kind of therapy. I wish well to myself.
Vote: has 64.88 % from 18 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: health, money
Q: What is the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? A: The taste
Vote: has 64.73 % from 105 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: disgusting, health
A man went to visit his doctor. “Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?” the man pleads. The doctor rolls up the man’s sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. “Hello, Doctor, says the arm. “Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I’m desperate!” “Aha!" says the doctor, "I see the problem. Your arm is broke!”
Vote: has 64.28 % from 25 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: doctor, health, money
Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy? He did okay until his business fell off.
Vote: has 64.28 % from 25 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, business, health


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