"Pa's being chased by a bull!"
"Well, what in tarnation do you want me to do about it?"
"Get me some film for my camera."
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Psychiatrist: "What’s your problem?"
Patient: "I think I’m a chicken."
Psychiatrist: "How long has this been going on?"
Patient: "Ever since I was an egg!"
What happened when the shark became famous?
He tured into a starfish.
Why did a gambler scare everyone out swimming?
He was a card shark.
Why do you never see zebras or antelopes at Victoria Station?
Because it's a mane-lion station.
What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head?
A tiger moth.
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.
"You simpleton!" the officer barked.
"Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"
"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically.
"But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice.
And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches.
But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' - that did it!"
What would you get if you crossed a grizzly with the world's greatest basketball player?
Bear Jordan.
That tornado damage your cow barn any?
Dunno.
Haven't found the durn thing yet.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.