How do you hire a teddy bear?
Put him on stilts.
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Chuck Norris scares cows so bad, milk comes out their nose.
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Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude.
He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied.
The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.
When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know.
I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him?
Nothing.
I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
How did the blonde try to kill the bird??
She threw it off a cliff.
Q: What do dogs do after they finish obedience school?
A: They get their masters.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: It was escaping from K.F.C.
What do you call a poodle with no legs?
A sponge.
Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.
The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said, "I think they could be bird tracks."
The second blonde went to look and said, "No, I think these are deer tracks."
They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks.
She looked down, then got run over by the train!
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.