How do you hire a teddy bear?
Put him on stilts.
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Jesse starts wailing to the vet, "you gotta save my dog, he looks real bad - please you just gotta!"
"There, there Jesse, your dog just has a broken hip he'll be fine in no time.
My fee, of course, will be $1,500."
Jesse starts to wail - "oh, my dog's going to die!!!"
An Australian guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm.
He asks the bartender if he will give him free drinks if he shows he can put his penis inside the crocs mouth for 15 seconds without it getting bit off.
The bartender agrees.
The guy opens the crocs mouth and puts his penis inside it; the croc gently closes his mouth and after 15 seconds the Australian hits him over the head with a bottle, causing the croc to open his mouth and let the guy withdraw his penis.
The bartender starts serving the free drinks to the Austr alian and then tells everyone in the bar "If anyone else can do that then I will give them free drinks also".
There is a pause and then a blonde woman calls out "ok, I will do it but please don't hit me so hard over my head with the bottle".
What did the rabbit bride get on her wedding day?
A forty-carrot wedding ring.
A baby hedgehog lost itself, in the garden.
Sad, he strolls from here to there, whereupon he bumps in a cactus and full of hope he says:
Mama, is that you?
Q: Why didn't go Noah fishing?
A: He only had two worms.
How do you f*ck a fat chick?
Roll her in flour and find the wet spot.
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Why did the indecisive chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side… er, no… to go shopping… no, not that either… damn it!
Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet?
It lives on ice.
Q: What do you get when you cross a collie with a trumpet?
A: A Lassie who plays brassie!