What happened to the skunk who failed his swimming lesson?
He stank to the bottom of the pool.
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What's a skunk's philosophy of life?
Eat, stink and be merry.
An elephant goes to a camel and says why have you got a pair of tits on your back, the camel then replies that's a funny question coming from someone with a dick on their face.
A snail is walking down the road, when all of a sudden two turtles appear.
They rough up the snail, take his money, and leave him for dead.
Months later in the courtroom, after the two turtles have been arrested, the judge asks the snail to describe what happened on the night of the assault.
The snail says, "Gee, I would love to, your honor, but it all happened so fast!"
Q: What creature has more lives than a cat?
A: A frog, after all, they croak every night.
Where did the mooron take the baby cow to eat?
To the calf-ateria.
Q: Where does a kangaroo go that can't hop?
A: Hopspital.
How do you start a teddy bear race?
Ready, teddy, go.
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight.
He didn't seem disturbed at all.
(Whew! Got away with that one!).
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."
Q:What did the polar bear say when they saw tourists in sleeping bags?
A:Mmmm, sandwiches!