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One day there was a woman who lost her cat named "LOVE."
It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York.
So, thinking that he might be down the street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him.
When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, she said very honestly, "I'm looking for LOVE."
The policeman arrested her on the spot. 
Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, lawyer is always the third thing they look up?
Because the first thing a child looks up is dog.
The second is snake.
And under snake, the encyclopedia says See Lawyer.
Did you hear about the cannibal spider that ate his uncle's wife?
He was an aunteater.
What is the fiercest flower in the garden?
The tiger lily.
The Teacher asked Little Johnny,
"How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?"
Little Johnny replied, "Just Don't bite any."
Vote:
Chuck Norris was once bitten by a venomous cobra ....
After 5 days of excrutiating pain the cobra
Eventually died
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Turtle to turtle: "Don't ya just love the sound of rain on your roof?"
Q: What goes "oom... oom"?
A: A cow walking backward!
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What is a moo hoo for a delightful ranch owner?
A charmer farmer.
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy.
The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
"Ever have an accident?"
"Nope, nary a one."
"None? You've never had any accidents."
"Nope. Ain't had one. Never."
"Well, you said in this form you were bitten by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"
"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."