Two skunks were being chased by a bear. As the bear got closer, one of the skunks said "Whatever shall we do?" "Let us spray!" replied the other.
Q: Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow? A: So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor.
Why was the horseman fired from his job of saddle testing? He was always standing up on the job!
Why do elephants squirt water through their noses? If they squirted it through their tails, it'd be very difficult to aim.
Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog. One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?" The man yells back, "About a half mile from town." Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer." The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?" The first says, "That’s easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant."
How far can a rabbit run into the woods? Halfway. After that she's running out of the woods.
What do you call a lion wearing a cravat and a flower in its mane? A dandy lion.
What's wet and wiggly and says how do you do sixteen times? Two octopuses shaking hands.
Why did the frog cross the road? Some mean little kid super-glued it to the chicken.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
A plowhorse, a honeybee and an old geezer are debating about which of them is the greatest. The horse says, "I can plow all day long to provide food for dozens of people!" " The bee says, "I pollinate all the plants every year and make honey besides!" The old geezer says... (We're waiting...)