How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
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Q:What’s the difference between Ross Perot and Barack Obama?
A:Ross Perot is crackpot with big ears and Barack Obama is a pothead with big ears.
A man ask his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"
Wife says, "I would take half and leave you".
Man says, "Great! I have won a tenner, here a fiver now f*ck off!
A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about.
He asks his father for advice.
The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain.
Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.
He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.
He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns. After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?"
Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card.
He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"
A man was digging a ditch, when he uncovered a lamp.
When he brushed it off, a genie popped out, and said "To show my gratitude for releasing me, I'll grant you one wish.."
The man thought for a second, reached into his pocket, pulled out a map of the world, pointed to the Middle-East, and replied "I want you to bring peace to this area."
"Ooooh...I'm so sorry, that's impossible" said the genie. "There's absolutely no way I could accomplish such a great feat, so you'll have to choose another wish..."
The man then said "Well...then how about having my wife give me oral-sex voluntarily...?"
The genie thought for a minute, then said "Can I see that map again..?"
Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?
Because the text on the nappies package said "18-40 lbs".
Q: Why is it jewish men won't go down on a woman?
A: Too close to the gas chamber.
What is a "successful hunting trip"?
When three men kill 9 cases of Budweiser in two days
After an accident...
1st Driver : I flashed the headlights and told you to let me go first.
2nd Driver : I also started the wipers and said NO NO...
What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.