A dog goes to a telegraph office and dictates a message.
‘Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof.’
The operator reads it back then says, ‘Y’ know, we charge per ten words.
You could have an extra ‘woof’ for free.’
‘No thanks,’ says the dog.
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What do you call a gay dinosaur?…… Mega-sore-ass.
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
Why didn't the teddy bear eat his lunch?
(Because he was stuffed!)
What do you get when you try to cross a pit bull with a computer?
A lot of bites.
If you crossed a cow with a goat, what would you get?
Half and half.
What do you call a chocolate Easter bunny that was out in the sun too long?
A runny bunny.
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: Doesn't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
Girl: We have a mayor. Do you?
Horse: Sure!
Girl: What do you call it?
Horse: Same as you do. Mare!
How much do I owe Yo' Mama?
My dog came home happy last night.