How do elves greet each other? "Small world, isn't it?"
Santa rides in a sleigh. What do elves ride in? Mini vans!
One elf said to another elf, "We had Grandma for Christmas dinner". And the other elf said, "Really? We had turkey!"
10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have no jobs, no hope and no cash.
What did Mariah Carey really wanted to sing: "All I want for Christmas is you... to get hit by a reindeer."
Q: Why is it good to have a Jewish car? A: It can stop on a dime, and pick it up for you too!
I weighed myself today. It is clear I am too small for my weight.
Q: What is Father Christmas's tax status? A: Elf-employed.
A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?" No. The second beau came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?" No. The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. "Hello, my name is Chuck." The farmer shot Chuck.
What do you call an elf who tells silly jokes? A real Christmas Card!
A man goes to his doctor after losing a lot of weight. "I feel great, but I have a problem, doctor. I was so fat beforehand that my skin has stretched and stayed that long. Is there anything you can give me?" "Hmm, short of plastic surgery, there is only one alternative. Please take off your clothes." The man strips down. The doctor pulls all his skin upwards and ties it in a ball above his head. "But doctor -- now my navel is in the middle of my forehead!" "True," replies the doctor, "and you should see what you have for a collar and tie."