What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.
Q: Why do Republicans avoid living on the West Coast? A: They're scared to live that close to the edge of the Earth.
Q: If Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood and Bill Clinton participated in a spelling contest, who would win? A: Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that "harass" is one word.
I really do have a soft spot for my MIL. It's out in the garden behind the garage.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap. He was high on my list of priorities.
What do you call it when Miley Cyrus falls down? Hoe-Down.
McNally was taking his first plane ride, flying over the Rocky Mountains. The stewardess handed him a piece of chewing gum. "It’s to keep your ears from popping at high altitudes," she explains. When the plane landed McNally rushed up to her. "Miss," he said, "I’m meetin’ me wife right away. How do I get the gum out of me ears?" Kelly was standing in front of Cohan’s Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street. He ran to the car, jumped in, and pulled on the emergency brake with a jerk. Kelly got out and very proudly said to the man approaching him, "I stopped it!" "I know, you idiot!" said the man. "I was pushing it!"
Chuck can use "save" in real life. But he doesn't need it.
Chuck Norris has found what U2 are looking for.
Can I help you? No. I just waited in the line for 30 minutes to say Hi.