How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger between his neck and the noose.
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Mum: "How would you describe me?"
Dad: "ABCDEFGHIJK"
Mum: "What does that mean?"
Dad: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, funny, graceful, helpful, intelligent."
Mum: "What about JK?"
Dad: "Just Kidding."
What does a man make best for dinner?
Reservations.
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.
Q: How many men does it take to put down a toilet seat?
A: Who knows it's never been done.
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three.
One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.
How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire?
Both of them.
A man walks into a bar and says "Ow!"
A second man walks into the same bar.
You would think after the first one hit it, the second one would have seen it coming.
A man goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce dangling from his rectum.
"That looks nasty," says the doctor.
"Nasty?" the man says.
"That's just the tip of the iceberg."
A guy walked into his friend’s office.
He found his friend sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.
"Hey, what’s up with you?," he asked.
"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She’s hired a new secretary for me."
"Well, nothing wrong in that," he said, "Is she blonde or brunette?"
"Neither. He’s bald."