Joke #1620

Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
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A woman was paying for some items in a supermarket - a pint of milk, a packet of bacon, a small bag of rice and a few vegetables. The man at the checkout said, "I bet you're single, aren't you?" "Well yes, I am," the woman replied. "How did you know?" "Because you're really ugly," replied the man.
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How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
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How is a man like a snowstorm? You don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
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A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fell off.
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How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One...men will screw anything.
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Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
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Jose approaches the Mexican border on his bicycle. Hanging from his shoulders he has two large, bulky bags. The border patrol guard stops him and says,"Hey mister what ya got in those bags?" "Just sand," replied Jose.
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A man ask his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" Wife says, "I would take half and leave you". Man says, "Great! I have won a tenner, here a fiver now f*ck off!
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Question: Why do men die before their wives? Answer: Because they want to.
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What is the thinnest book in the world? "What men know about women."
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