Men are like.....Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
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How is a man like a snowstorm?
You don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
What is a man's idea of helping with housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
Knock knockrn
Who's there?
Woman who?
Wo-man you where so nice to let me tell you this joke
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Man.
Man who?
Man you where so nice to let me tell you this joke.
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Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing isn’t as good as it used to be.
What should I do?”
The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure.
When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.”
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner.
He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?
He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again.
Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Still, no answer.
Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!”
Six nuns are washing themselves all together when the doorbell rings.
One nun goes to the door and says 'who is it?'
An elderly gentleman replies "It's the blind man from the village" so the nun shouts to the others, "don't worry it's just the blind man from the village, I'll let him in."
She lets him in and goes "how can we help?"
The gent replies "I'm just going to go measure your blinds, but nice tits"
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A.A dog is always happy to see you
B.A dog only takes a couple of months to train.
Men come in three sizes:
Small, medium, and OOoohhh yesss!
Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house.
Two strangers meet on a golf course and decide to play together.
One man says, "I'm a salesman. What about you?"
"I'm a hit man for the mob," replies the second man.
He pulls out a high powered rifle loaded with scopes and sights.
He then asks the man where he lives.
Nervously, the first man replies, "In a subdivision just west of here. Gray roof, yellow siding."
"You got a silver compact and a red pickup?"
"The compact is my wife's car, but that's my buddy Jeff's truck."
The hit man looks through the scope again. "Well, they're going at it like teenagers in your bedroom."
"I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot him in the balls."
The hit man says, "I get paid $5,000 per shot."
"I don't care! Just do it!"
The hit man takes careful aim and says, "This is your lucky day. You're going to get a two for one!"