What's the difference between a man and an ox? Fifteen pounds and a six-pack.
John was in trouble, really big trouble. You see, he forgot his wedding anniversary and, if you're married, you can imagine what he's probably going through. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" She was serious too, so John got serious. The next morning he woke up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped, right there in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife threw her robe on and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house and opened in with much anticipation. Inside she found a brand new bathroom scale. John has been missing since Thursday.
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts? Guilt gifts are nicer.
How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares?
Why are all jokes about women one-liners? So men can understand them.
If guys had they periods, they would compare the size of their tampons.
A guy was going to Texas and when he went on the train he said, "Ohh my god Texas chairs are really big." He went to a bar he asked for a bear and when the bar tender gave him the mug of bear the guy said, "Wooww Texas mugs are really big." Later he asked the bar tender were is the bathroom and the bar tender said, "Strait on your right." But the guy went on his left and when he entered the room he slipped and feel in the swimming pool and said, "Don't flush don't flush!"
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.
"What is a man's idea of a balanced diet?" "A Budweiser in each hand!"
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a State Policeman sees a car puttering along at 22 miles per hour. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver...
What is the difference between a man and a catfish? One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.