How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts, and thighs.
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After spending 20 minutes trying to get my wife's bra off, I decided to give up,
I wish I'd never put it on now.
Two strangers meet on a golf course and decide to play together.
One man says, "I'm a salesman. What about you?"
"I'm a hit man for the mob," replies the second man.
He pulls out a high powered rifle loaded with scopes and sights.
He then asks the man where he lives.
Nervously, the first man replies, "In a subdivision just west of here. Gray roof, yellow siding."
"You got a silver compact and a red pickup?"
"The compact is my wife's car, but that's my buddy Jeff's truck."
The hit man looks through the scope again. "Well, they're going at it like teenagers in your bedroom."
"I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot him in the balls."
The hit man says, "I get paid $5,000 per shot."
"I don't care! Just do it!"
The hit man takes careful aim and says, "This is your lucky day. You're going to get a two for one!"
Q: What do you call a group of men found drowned in a wine vat?
A: The Grape-full Dead!
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
How are men like noodles?
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, “You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”
“What dear?” She asked gently.
“I think you bring me bad luck.”
I had to divorce my husband for religious reasons,
I'm a catholic and living with him is hell.