Joke #1659

I met a girl who used masturbate to 2 girls 1 cup. And that kids, is how j met your mother.

Q: What's the ultimate rejection? A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

A mother is making a cake for her three sons when she accidentaly dropps some BB from the shelf into the batter. She decides that it won't matter and continues to make the cake. Later that day, her sons eat the cake and don't even notice the BBs. The next day, when the mother is reading a magazine on the couch, one of her sons runs in saying, "Mom, mom, I pissed out a beebee!" She says "That's okay, son. I accidentaly dropped some beebees into the cake batter. You'll be fine." Five minutes later, one of the other sons, come running in and he says, "Mom, mom, I.." But the mother cuts him off and she says, "I know, I know, you pissed out a beebee. I dropped it into the cake batter, but you'll be fine." Then her last son runs in the room, and he says, "Mom, mom, I.." And the mother cuts him off and says, "I know, I know, you pissed out a beebee. It's my fault for dropping it in the cake batter, but you'll be fine." But then son says, "No, no, I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"

Dan staggers into the shower. He notices that his d**k is bright orange. He feels normal, but he's concerned and goes to the doctor. After a thorough examination, the doctor says, "You seem to be fine and all of the tests are normal. Did you do anything out of the ordinary over the weekend?" Dan says, "No. All I did was stay home, watch porno movies and eat Cheetos."

A cowboy rides in the desert and comes upon a Native American lying naked with a hard-on. He asks, "What are you doing?" The naked man replies, "I'm finding out the time -- it is 12:15." The cowboy looks at his watch and thinks, "Wow, it really is 12:15." The cowboy continues and sees another Native American lying naked with a hard-on. He asks, "What are you doing?" The naked man replies, "I'm seeing what time it is -- it is 3:15." The cowboy looks at his watch and that is the correct time. The cowboy continues and finds a third Native American lying naked on the ground, masturbating. The cowboy asks what he's doing and he replies, "I'm winding my watch."

Why did the semen cross the road? Because I wore the wrong sock today.

What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroke-n-off

How is a soyburger like a dildo? They're both substitutes for meat.

I hope the children will never find out why I say "oops..." so often when I vacuum their rooms.

This stupid bug is appearing on a blasted line which would blow up the toilet. Then they go like "Tom tom tom tom" then back to the toilet and stupidly disgusted by a recently married woman and erecting a man in a toilet.

One day two deaf-mutes meet on the street. They had been friends in school but had lost touch over time. They used sign language to catch up on old times. Through the course of conversation one of the deaf-mutes learned the other had learned to speak and was no longer mute. This amazed the fellow that was still mute and he asked about the procedure. His friend gave him the doctor's card and went on his way. The deaf mute wasted no time and went straight to the doctor's office. The doctor informed the procedure took 26 days and cost one million dollars. The man handed the doc his insurance card and begged the doctor to start the treatment that day. The doctor had the man strip and lay over the examination table. The doctor went to his closet and took out a bucket of mayonnaise and a broom handle with a door knob on the end. The doc got a running start and shoved the mayonaise covered door knob up the deaf-mute's ass. The mute screamed,"AY!AY!AY!" The doctor said,"very good we will work on the B's tomorrow."